Did I fall into a deep, black hole or what?

I find it hard to believe it was that long ago (Nov. 2008) that I typed my last post. Where in the world did that time go? It seems like only yesterday that I typed out those emotional thoughts. It almost pains me to read it now. Just so you know....I am much better now. Yes, I am still tormented from time to time by my decision to leave work and focus more on other things. Taking a larger role in raising my wonderful daughter. Taking better care of my two furry soul mates. Spending more time with my husband. Having SOME time to myself (as a working mom, I never had one moment to myself). Devoting myself and my time to fostering better relationships with my family and friends. And, as is the reason I started this blog, to live more locally. Have I been successful? Well, yes, I would say I have. My biggest and proudest accomplishment was growing my own organic veggie garden last year. It was AMAZING and a great experience for my entire family (as well as scores of neighbors and friends who benefited from all the excess).

Before starting, I enrolled in an organic gardening class at the local community college. I learned so much - thanks to my crunchy, knowledgeable, inspirational professor. Seriously, I've rarely met individuals that passionate about anything. This guy really loves to garden! With the help of my father, I built a 6x4 foot raised bed. In that, I grew 4 tomato plants, 2 basil plants, 1 Swiss Chard plant, 2 bell pepper plants, 1 cucumber plant and 1 eggplant plant. Originally, I also started a cilantro plant....but my husband, in all his excitement, cut off about 90% of the plant for a recipe he was making...and the plant literally died by the next morning (lesson learned!). I also added to my herb garden with chives, mint and oregano. We LOVED the herbs. My personal favorite was the mint plant as I am a tea fanatic. There really is nothing quite like tea steeped with nothing more than water and fresh mint leaves. I was smitten from the first try. It just seems so, well , healthy. And delicious. Martha Stewart, eat your heart out!!!

The photo currently on display is from our beloved cucumber plant. In honor of that plant which provided so many glorious cucumbers, I will have to share my number one favorite story from last year's gardening season.....

We have a lovely dog named Hubbell. He is a rescued Golden Retriever. He's been with us for about 8 years now and words alone cannot describe how much we love and adore him. I often call him "The Mayor" because he's never met a stranger and, upon meeting him, everyone falls swiftly in love. My mom was visiting one weekend last summer in the peak of growing season. One afternoon she opened our back door to let the dogs in. Hubbell, who is normally already waiting at the door, was nowhere to be found and wouldn't come when called. My mom gave out a loud whistle (you know the type....when you put your fingers in your mouth and blow really hard!). Suddenly, out pops Hubbell's head from the cucumber patch. Mom had interrupted him in mid-snack. When she relayed this story to us, we wouldn't help but giggle at the image of his head popping up from "THE BLOB" (as we lovingly named our cucumber plant since it tried to take over the entire yard). The very next afternoon we found a large cucumber out in the middle of the yard.....with 4 holes right in the center....right where Hubbell's canine teeth would be. As the summer progressed we had many of our own opportunities to see that large, handsome, pineapple head poke up out of the cucumber patch when called. We never could bring ourselves to reprimand him. Honestly, that plant produced enough cucumbers that we could all share. And it never got old....it is honestly one of the cutest things I've ever witnessed. Yes, I plan on growing cucumbers again this year. And I'm hoping Hubbell hasn't lost his taste for the lovely green veggie. In fact, one of my goals this year is to snap a photo of his head popping up mid-snack. When I catch it, I will post it right here for all to see....

Until later...

Misgivings?

I never assumed it would be easy to leave my lucrative and personally rewarding job but I might have underestimated the tough moments I would have after it was all over. I know I made the right decision given all of my circumstances but I know it will take a long time to get over this seething anger I have at the choices women have to make and the way our society is structured. Let's all be real with one another....women are not left with many good options. If a woman chooses to have a child, she will have to give up many things. Those things will depend on which priorities she chooses. If she chooses to maintain her career and power and financial independence, she will lose out on spending time with her precious children when they are young. She will have to relinquish their care to someone else. She will miss out on thousands, if not millions, of opportunities to influence them. She will miss first words, first grasps of concepts, first experiences, first giggles, first jokes, first heartbreaks, first memories. And that is, I am sure, just breaking the surface of what she'll miss out on when it comes to her children. I know because I missed all those things in my daughter's first 2 years of life while I was busy working. On the other hand, if she chooses to devote herself to full-time or almost full-time motherhood, she will miss out on, well, sometimes it seems like everything. A paycheck, career growth, the opportunity to be exposed to a wealth of different people, ideas, concepts, training, experiences, mentors, perks, travel, bonuses, the latest technologies, power, promotions, the chance to excel. She will never know exactly what she could have been.



I find myself in this position now. Already, I've made that crucial decision and it's too late to turn back. It's only been a little over a month and I already wonder what I could have been. It's too late to turn back, at least on that path. Looking forward, I do know that I don't want to be one of those women who throws all her own lost dreams and ambitions onto her children. It's just not fair. I don't want to lead an unfulfilled life for myself. I just cannot live THROUGH my children as so many people do. As one of my idols, Anna Quindlen, has said, "Children tear your world apart and then they leave you". I want to make sure that I am left with a very whole person when my children leave me. Happy, healthy, growing, wise, successful, loving, affectionate, compassionate, at peace. I want to have a song in my heart.



How do I get there? I just don't know yet. I do know that I am soul searching so hard and so deeply that it is excrutiatingly painful at times. I want to be comforted by the millions of other women who are out there fighting this same struggle but it just doesn't happen. The battle is way too personal. It feels like only my own and much too difficult and complicated for someone else to understand. I can only take it one day and one step at a time. Today is not so good but maybe tomorrow will be better. But I find myself comforted by a quote I came across the other day (I only wish I knew whose quote it was!): "Some years ask the questions and other years provide the answers". This has been a very tough year for me but I know it won't last forever.

Audrey Goes Local

No, the title of my new blog isn't "Audrey Goes Loco" although maybe it should've been. Audrey Goes Local. What does that mean? Well, we all know there's a green movement going on. That's what you read, of course, although I don't see anything revolutionary going on. Yes, a few people here and there carry canvas bags to the grocery store and some well-meaning folks are making a bigger effort to recycle, etc. I give those people props - they are certainly leagues ahead of most people I know. Yet how much of a difference is that really making? I can't be the only person who wonders what more I can do to make a difference. Since I recently left my very cushy corporate job (much to my husband's dismay!), I've found I have much more time on my hands. This newfound time and freedom has allowed me time to read (my favorite pastime)....and time to delve into new challenges and adventures. Within the last few months, I've read Thomas Friedman's HOT, FLAT, and CROWDED, Michael Pollan's THE OMNIVORE'S DILEMMA and Doug Fine's FAREWELL, MY SUBARU. And I must say....these guys are speaking my language. So these inspirational authors have got me thinking on a larger scale.....and I ask myself much more frequently now....what can I do to make a difference? So I've decided to blog my way through this new challenge. Lends more accountability, don't you think? I can't lie to my readers (all 2 of them!). And maybe my lovely daughter will read this when she's old enough and be proud that I stand for something. So I wanted to start by listing just a few of the things I already do to make a difference (to reduce my carbon footprint, to live more locally, to show respect to Mother Nature, etc):

1.) First and foremost, I am a vegetarian. It's like my religion. No, I do not eat fish or chicken. Yes, I do eat dairy and eggs.
2.) I recycle everything I possibly can or know how to recycle. I have for almost as long as I can remember....and certainly long before it became fashionable.
3.) I spent the majority of 2008 using public transportation to get to that cushy corporate job I was mentioning. Those poor, poor people who had to work with me all day and listen to my gazillion complaints about mass transit. I feel for them. Yet I took it day in and day out. Not only do I talk the talk....I do my best to walk the walk as well.
4.) I make every effort to eat organically and buy local produce.
5.) I take my own bags to the grocery store. KUDOS to Trader Joe's who also lets me enter my name into a raffle for free groceries each time I bring my own bags.
6.) Recently, I started turning up the temperature of my house during the daytime (summer months) to save on electricity. Proof that it's a win/win situation -- my power bill for 8/28-9/26/2007 was $241.05. For 8/27-9/26/2008, it was $148.17. CHACHING. What an idiot I was all that time to not do this.

Okay, this list is getting boring. Let's just say that I've done the minimum that any self-respecting treehugger should do day-to-day. Where do I go from here? Stay tuned to find out...I'm working on my TO DO LIST and it might take a while...