What Sustains Me.....

It's hard to believe it's already been a week.  How did I make it?  All of these things helped sustain me....

~ THE feather.  I keep it on the dash of the car and, every time I look at it, I feel stronger.  Heaven help me if anything should ever happen to that feather.

~ All of the flowers that were left over from Clara's party.  They're spread throughout the house and they definitely lift my spirits!

~ The calls and emails and concern from our family members.

~ Last Thursday I decided to start a small memorial garden for Hubbell.  I have this run-down little flower garden by our back gate (when I tried to find a photo, I noticed that Hubbell was in  the background of this one!!!!).  I moved the girls' umbrella over to shield the sun. I kneeled down, started weeding and cried my tears into the dirt.   I cleaned and refilled the birdbath. I researched how to deadhead the few Coreopsis plants that are left so that maybe some new growth will appear.  I researched some flowering plants.  I know this will be therapeutic for me.  It already is.  It will be a long-term project because I am terrible at growing flowers but I'll hopefully post a follow-up in the near future.

~ The documentary, "Animal Odd Couples" (available on Netflix and/or preview available here).  Alain put it on one night and I thought my heart would literally burst watching it.  I couldn't stop laughing, smiling or crying.  While we were watching, Alain even said to me, "You and Hubbell were an animal odd couple."  Yes, I suppose we were.  Thank you, Alain.  That show cheered me up immensely ~ you must've known it would!

~ Scout is our lone pet now, at least in this house.  She sometimes chirps at me, sometimes flies around my head and still watches me from the back door when I'm out in the yard/garden.  She makes me smile!  (I will post on Atticus soon.)

~ My other "resident birds" come to the window feeder and sometimes they hang out for a while, even when I'm standing there.  I love to watch them ~ they warm my heart.

~ I stopped telling myself that I should temper my emotions, tears, etc out of fear that people will judge me over being this upset about "just a dog".  I don't really care if people think or say that.  Hubbell was my constant, constant companion and I will mourn him however I see fit.  When I have really hard moments, I light a little memorial candle by his picture.....that is now surrounded by cards from friends.  It's helped me a lot.  Those cards help me a lot!

~ My blogging friends.  Deb, Kay, Louise, Keith, Jan and Rebecca.  Your comments and emails are so precious ~ thank you for caring enough to write, check in on me, etc.

~ Deb sent me this sweet video of her turtle, Rexy (via Instagram). I wish you could have all seen me smiling.  What a sweet gesture!

~ I went to the library and got some new books.  I hadn't read a single page in a single book since May 1st, the day of Hubbell's surgery and the day we learned we'd lose him soon.  If I'm not reading, something is definitely wrong.  Well, I'm now reading "Failure Is Not An Option" by Gene Kranz.  It's amazing.  If you haven't seen the documentary series, "When We Left Earth", please watch it (available on Netflix and/or sometimes replayed on PBS stations).  I also checked out "The Girls of Atomic City" by Denise Kiernan (remember my fixation with the atomic race after reading this book?).   I was so thrilled with I saw this book on the library shelf!  Anyway, I'm reading again so I know I'll be okay! 

~ I wrote a very heartfelt letter to the woman who helped rescue Hubbell and who cared for him until he came to our home.  You can definitely say that she hand-picked him just for me because I was very insistent that I wanted another girl dog.  And she wouldn't back down.  She even tricked me into driving out to her house to meet Hubbell.  Well, of course, once I saw him and spent 30 seconds with him, he was ours!!!! Anyway, Kathy wrote to me all week, sent me a sweet card and then sent me a gardening stone with the words, "If My Love Could've Saved You, You Would Have Lived Forever" (Isn't that the truth?).  She's been an angel and has really looked out for me (just as she once looked out for my guy). She's the only other person I know who has "mothered" Hubbell so I feel a connection with her.  She knows just how special he was!  And she gave me the most precious and wonderful gift.  I feel so thankful.

~ I called the Golden Rescue where Hubbell came from.  I was a board member for several years but fell out of touch during my crazy working years and once I had children.  Well, guess what, I'm back on board to help again and it feels really good to know I might help other Goldens.  I know Hubbell would like that!

~ Last, and maybe most importantly, Alain decided to take some pictures of each of us as we said goodbye on Hubbell's last day.  At the time, I wasn't sure how I felt about this. It seemed a little morbid and I thought I'd never look at such depressing photographs.  Well, I owe a HUGE, HUGE, HUGE thank you to my sweet husband.  It took several days but I did finally look at the pictures.  Wow, it was so damned hard.  They are amazingly beautiful, raw, emotional, and SO FILLED WITH LOVE. I can't share them here out of respect for Hubbell's privacy and I just think they're way too intimate.  But I love these pictures with all of my heart.  I won't look at them often but, when I do, I will always feel thankful to have had a love that strong in my life.  For all of us. This family is so very lucky.

The Healing Power of Nature

My general philosophy when it comes to nature is this:  For those of us who are kind, mindful and gentle to nature, nature will help and heal us when we need it most.  I truly believe this.

The last couple days have been so hard for me.  I don't need to tell you the details because you can imagine.  Not only do I have my own grief to deal with, but I also have that of my children. The loss is overwhelming.

(This photo was taken in mid-May, right after Hubbell's emergency surgery....that's why his underbody is shaved. Luckily, our Kenzie Snooter ~ who lives with my parents ~ got to visit Hubbell a couple of times in his last few months.)

But then there's this....

An hour or so after Hubbell passed, I needed to get out of the house.  I was overcome. We took the girls out for ice cream and a trip to the playground.  While Sophie and I were playing at the top of a large play structure, Sophie suddenly called out to me.  When I looked, there was a beautiful black and blue butterfly fluttering around very close to her.  As I watched, it flew over to me and almost landed on my nose.  The butterfly came within inches of both of us.  For several minutes, it fluttered and darted around us.  As Sophie said, "it's like the butterfly is playing with us".  Well said.  It did feel that way.  And my heart lightened just a tad.

The next morning I dropped the girls off at their summer camps.  I couldn't face going home without Hubbell there.  I decided to stop at the pet store to buy my little Scouter Puff some bird treats.  After I parked the car, I checked my phone. The crematory had left a message telling me that they would like to deliver Hubbell to me that afternoon.  I felt like I couldn't breathe.  I decided to go buy the bird treats before calling them back (since I knew I'd likely be upset).  When I returned to the car and opened the door, there was a perfect goose feather laying right in the middle of my seat.  I stopped dead in my tracks. My body was covered in goose bumps. I can't describe the feeling I had.  It was a gift.  That's all I knew.  It was so overwhelming, in a very good way.  I held it close to my heart and said, "Thank you, Hubbell".  As I drove around, wandering really, in an effort to avoid going home, I continued to look down at the feather.....amazed. Totally amazed.  I know it hadn't been there when I left the car because I had reached back in to grab my phone.  I couldn't have sat on it because it would have been crushed or broken (bootylicious as I am!). That feather was comforting me in a big way.  It still is.

Yesterday afternoon I went out to check the mail.  As I turned back toward the house, I noticed two mourning doves sitting on my front porch.  Very peaceful and still. I stood in the driveway and watched them for a while.  They just sat and looked at me for several minutes.  Then they flew right by me.  Those birds brightened what was a really hard afternoon for me.

When Clara awoke from her nap yesterday (her first nap without Hubbell by her crib ~ he napped with her every single day until his last), I opened the door to find her yelling "tweet, tweet, tweet" to me. She then put her tiny little finger to her mouth to ask me to "sshhhhh".  We were both quiet and, sure enough, there was a very loud tweeting coming from right outside.  I took her out of her crib and she ran to the window and started pulling back the shade.  I opened it for her. And there, right on a branch outside her window, there was a sweet little bird singing loudly.  I felt my heart growing warm.  That bird had helped to distract my sweet baby.

I don't really know how to end this post. I'm just writing because writing is cathartic for me.  And my grieving is only beginning.  

I've thought a lot today about my favorite poem, by Robert Frost.

Nature's first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf's a flower,

but only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief.

So Dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

My Hubbell.....he was Golden in every single way!

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For those of you who left such sweet and caring messages/comments for me yesterday, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  The comfort your words provided is immeasurable.  I'm a lucky girl.  

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My Guy ~ Hubbells

HUBBELL

Born sometime in 2001

Adopted by our family in July 2002

Passed from this world July 30, 2013

For the past several years, as Hubbell and I grew closer and closer, I'd often ask him, "Hubbell, what on Earth did I do in my life to deserve you?".  It must've been something amazingly good. We'd laugh about that.  But I still find myself thinking it tonight......my first night lying in my bed without him lying on the floor right next to me. This gargantuan cold & empty space on the floor.  The one that is currently shattering my heart.  Yeah, I did something good alright. And that made me the damned luckiest woman on the planet.  Because I was Hubbell's Mom.  I can already tell you that, when I'm 90 something years old and I look back on my life, I will still feel so deeply in my heart that Hubbs was a highlight.  And he will still be there in his little corner of my heart keeping me warm with his sweet, gentle, loving, nature.

All you need to know is this: Hubbell was my guy.  You should know that we went together like peas and carrots. 

Taking care of him the last three months, as hard as it was (and it was excrutiating at times) was truly a pleasure of my life.  It's one of the things I'm most proud of. I LOVED taking care of him and I can only hope that I was worthy of him. 

My anchor.  My soul mate. My love.

2012 Highlights

2012 was an incredibly hard year.  

During the first half of the year, we were barely sleeping.  I think, on average, I was sleeping between 3 and 5 hours a night. It was so difficult.  There were times I wondered if I could die from lack of sleep.  Then, slowly, as the weather warmed and the year dragged closer to Summer, Clara's reflux started to subside and she began to sleep a little better.  Still far from ideal but better.  I felt like we were slowly coming back to life.  During this time, Sophie started her very first soccer season...and Clara began to walk...

In early June, Sophie spent her last day at preschool and we had a pizza/cookie cake party to celebrate...

Somehow, in the midst of the crazy first half, I did manage to plan and pull off a belated 40th birthday bash for Alain (and, in usual Audrey fashion, I took a bunch of photos of my prep work but none during the actual party!).

In Spring, Alain had a very large project at work and we didn't see a lot of him. Then, as Summer started, he finished said project and we prepared to leave for a week-long vacation over July 4th to New York City.  

The day before our flight we learned of our dear brother/brother-in-law/uncle's tragic passing.  

Our trip to Switzerland was heart-wrenching, emotional and just plain hard.....but, even in the midst of that, there were some beautiful moments.  We don't get to see Alain's family much so, even in the midst of our pain, we had to do our best to soak up our time together (and to celebrate Yaron's 2nd birthday). It was the first time all five cousins were together in the same place and the joy of the children kept us all going.

A life without Ygal. We're still attempting to come to grips with this, if we ever can. It's been six months now. Therefore, the second half of the year has seen us muddling through.  

As soon as we returned from Switzerland, our baby Clara turned one.  My grand plans for her party were put on the back burner and we had a small, intimate family gathering to celebrate.

{I don't know why this picture is "foggy" but I'm including it because it's one of my favorites!}

The very next day we commemorated what would've been Ygal's 36th birthday by releasing 36 balloons.

In early August, my aunt and uncle invited us on their beach vacation.  It turned out to be just what the doctor ordered.  It was peaceful and relaxing....

A few short weeks later and Sophie started kindergarten. Unbelievable!

After two days of school, we drove down to Hilton Head for a long weekend to celebrate Sophie's 6th birthday. It was a lovely, lovely weekend and that trip included what was probably my favorite moment of the entire year....

As I was going back through all my pictures from the year, I couldn't believe how many nature pictures there were.  Flowers, birds, trees, insects, deer, shells, leaves, my garden, you name it.....I don't even know how my computer can contain them all.  I was surprised but this makes sense to me.....when I'm down, nature is my solace.  And there was a lot of nature in my life this year. For that, I am so thankful.

Hard years also come to an end.

I am looking forward, with a hopeful heart, to 2013!

Iggy Pop

For this week's post, I thought I'd do a follow-up on this post.

Since Ygal missed Sophie's birth, he didn't get to meet her until she was a year and eight months old.

As you can see, they made up for lost time!

Sophie is lucky in that she got to spend time with her Tio during several trips over the years.  Since she was five years old when he passed away, she may even have some concrete, long-term memories of Ygal.  I feel thankful for that.  It does make me sad that Clara won't have the same....although Alain and I often discuss how happy we are that Ygal and Clara met earlier this year.

I've always liked these two pictures ~ I think they again clearly show what a great uncle Ygal was to Sophie!

Looking to be uplifted?

Even if just for a moment?

I don't know about you but after Friday's tragic, devastating, horrifying and downright heart-wrenching school shooting, I think I was subconsciously looking to be uplifted during my online browsing over the weekend.  This post crossed my path many times over the last few days and, while I do like that one a lot, it's the below video that really caught my attention and had me coming back for just one more view.  I'm not a child but I still need reassurance that there's goodness in the world.  This video gives me a little bit of hope that we can overcome this kind of devastation.  Even though we may not have lost a direct friend or family member in Newtown, every single one of us lost something.  I hope this video lifts you up for just a moment.....




Note: I discovered this video on Design Mom's Friday post.

Iggy Pop

Hanukkah is the Festival of Lights but this year the candles don't seem to burn as brightly.  

Bianca sent this picture earlier in the week and I knew immediately that it had to be this week's post.  I'm so happy Bianca agreed.  I don't have any other photo of Ygal at Hanukkah.  And this photo is BEAUTIFUL, sweet, proud, peaceful.  Just look at little Yaron!  What an angel.

In our house we've been lighting the candles nightly right next to two framed pictures of Ygal. It's almost like he's here with us.  It at least feels good to have his photos so close by.  It's definitely the first Hanukkah where we don't get to speak to Ygal and tell him about our celebrations.  We don't receive a lovely package like we normally do.  It's hard.

But I did dream of Ygal twice this week.  It was comforting.  I'm thankful for that!

I love you, Bianca & Yaron.

Iggy Pop

Because today is my dear Alain's birthday, I am posting this picture. It was taken in 2009.  A few months ago, when Tia Jenny and I were talking, I asked if she might have a picture of Ygal & Alain that we haven't seen before. She sent this one. I've been sitting with it since then knowing that I would like to surprise Alain with it for his birthday.  I could spend millions on other presents (if I had it ~ which I don't!) and I know it wouldn't mean an inkling as much as getting this photo for him.  Tia Jenny, thank you.  

Alain, wishing you a Happy Birthday seems, I don't know, silly.  This has been the hardest year of your life. So the girls and I will simply wish you a better year to come and we want to let you know that we've got you.  We will hold you up for as long as you need.  Our love and adoration for you knows no bounds.  Happy 41, my love.  Mi corazon.  I know that every day I have you with me is a gift and I am forever thankful.  I love you!

Iggy Pop

While I was searching for the photo from last week's post, I found this bunch from a visit from Ygal (and Cristina) back in May of 1999.  I don't know that they've ever been shared since they were still in paper format. I'm glad to be able to share them now.....hope you enjoy....(I especially like the last one!)....

Iggy Pop

When I was growing up, I always wanted more siblings so I considered myself lucky when I got married and gained three brothers-in-law.

While I love them all, Ygal was the brother with which I had the most in common.

Ygal loved to dig his hands into the dirt and took much delight in seeing what would pop up.  He'd often send me pictures of veggies and herbs that he was growing on his balcony in Switzerland.  He had big audacious dreams of owning an organic farm here in the U.S.  I'd always joke that I'd come live with he and Bianca when that dream came true.  Over the years, before I knew better and on more than one occasion, we fed ducks and geese stale bread.  Ygal was the only person to get as excited and enjoy it as much as me.  I always loved the above picture because of this.....I appreciated that (very much) about him.  When we met, he was actually a vegetarian.  At some point, he went back to eating meat again.....but I guess nobody's perfect!  

One of my favorite things in Switzerland are these amazing community garden spaces that are quite common.  Since most people live in apartments, those who love gardening rent ground in these gardens. Most of the plots have a little shed type structure and people will go there and hang out for hours.  Ygal and I used to talk about having one of those in the future where we could go and hang out for hours.....gardening, drinking, snacking, harvesting, etc.  I know I will think of him every single time I pass by one of those community gardens in the future.  And I will always be sad that our shared dream won't come to fruition.

Iggy Pop

When I first had the idea to do these Friday posts, I had one particular photo in mind that I KNEW I'd have to use.  It is truly my second favorite photo of Ygal, the first being this one.  This picture is from 1996 so believe me when I say that I had to dredge it up from some dusty old photo album (remember those?).  Let's just say that it took a while.  But I am so happy to be able to post it today.....

If I had to choose only one way to remember Ygal, it would be just like this.  The old version of Ygal, when I lived in Switzerland.  Anyone else would call it the young version of Ygal but I think you know what I mean. I loved his LONG hair (hidden in a ponytail here) and his Lennon style glasses. We hung out a lot back then as we lived in the same house. It was almost a daily occurrence that we'd walk Skipper together. I'm very thankful for that time now ~ if only I had more pictures. 

Iggy Pop

Yesterday would have been the 3rd Wedding Anniversary of Ygal and Bianca.

These are the best pictures we have from the wedding.

I love how happy Ygal & Bianca look in these pictures and I'm so happy we were there to share such a joyous, beautiful, momentous moment in both of their lives.