Life Begins Outside Your Comfort Zone

I have a confession to make.  In the past, I used to secretly judge people who immediately adopted a new dog once their old dog passed away.  You don't have to tell me how horrible that is.  I'm a Taurus, a double Taurus actually.  Intense loyalty is just part of my makeup.  Trust me, it gets on my nerves.  In my volunteer work with dog rescue, I'd write a condolence note and then get an email the next day that the family was looking for a new dog.  HOW, I'd wonder.  I just didn't get it.  

On March 31st, we lost our Kenzie.  I was crushed, as you'd imagine.  I wondered how long it would take for me to be ready to open my heart to a new dog.  All I knew is it would be a long time.  Yeah, fast forward to the end of May.  I was at a meeting with the Golden Rescue and someone asked if I'd consider fostering a dog.  Around eight dogs had come in to the club in the previous week and we didn't have enough foster homes for all of them.  I felt my heart clinch but immediately said no.  No way, I'm not ready.  I just lost my Kenzie.  No way.  

This ate away at me for about a week.  We had a good, loving dog home and it was empty of dogs. Why couldn't we help out?  It slowly occurred to me that helping another dog might just be the way to honor Hubbell & Kenzie and bring peace to my heart.  Someone else had opened their heart and home to help my pups before they found their way to us.  I should help a dog find their forever home.  It seemed right.

When I called the Intake Coordinator, she asked if I had any preference as to the type of Golden.  I didn't hesitate....Big, Red, Boy.  Easy.  She called me back the next day and asked if we'd take in a young, small, blond girl.  Her previous owners had neglected her by leaving her in a crate ALL. THE. TIME (the "dad" just happened to be a professional football player).  Of course, I said, of course....when do we pick her up?  

You know the ending.  A week later I called to say, "This pup isn't going anywhere."!  Honestly, I was the last to be convinced.  You can see from these photos that our girls didn't need ANY convincing.  For me, it felt disloyal.  But I can see now how wrong I was. Opening your heart to a new dog doesn't erase the pain you feel in mourning your previous pups.  Not at all.  She doesn't take away from how much I loved Hubbell & Kenzie.  When I feel down because I miss them, I hug her tightly and I always feel better. The truth is that, if I'd waited to be ready, I would have never been ready.  

When I told a friend about our new family member, she said to me, "Good! That dog will heal your heart."  How right she was!  "That dog" is named Millie and she is definitely doing some heart healing.  I stepped outside my comfort zone and a new life/new love began.  I am so thankful.

I think Kenzie & Hubbell would be very proud of us.

An Old Lady in the Snow

My Dad sent me these pictures this morning.  My Kenzie, age 14, playing in the snow.  

I don't think I've mentioned it on the blog because I have a hard time getting the words out BUT, in mid-October, Kenzie's vet gave her yet another death sentence.  We were warned that her time is limited (um, HELLO, her time has always been limited!).  How much time, we asked with tight hearts, knowing that no human can really answer our question.  A few weeks to several months they told us.  Need I point out that it's now mid-February?  She's winding down, yes, and her legs are slowly giving out on her.  Yet here she is......deep in the throes of another winter....spriteful and as beautiful as ever in the snow.

My Kenzie Snooter.  Always defying the odds.  Still amazing me.  In her old age.

In her old age!  You can't imagine how happy it makes me to type those words.

In this picture, I can still see her 4-month old puppy face!

Kenzie, hang on another week and a half because Mommy is coming to give you some love!

I miss you, my first baby.

XOXO

PS ~

This is Jada, Kenzie's "bestie".  I hold her largely responsible (along with my parents, saints that they are!) for keeping my Kenzie alive and well.  Jada always keeps Kenzie company and loves her as only another dog can.

Thanks, as always, Mom & Dad!

Kenzie Love

When Hubbell had his surgery on May 1st, I told Alain I wouldn't leave him again.  I knew his time was short and I wasn't going to miss a single day.  It was hard staying put for three months and it meant missing out on some important events.  For me, there was no other option and I'm glad I didn't miss one moment of Hubbell's last three months.  The only bad thing?  I couldn't come visit our Kenzie.  

Alain and I adopted Kenzie when she was four months old, in April of 2000.  We walked into a PetSmart, I saw her gorgeous face peeking out of a crate and I turned to Alain and said, "I'm not leaving this store without this dog."  She was our first baby and I feel sure she was meant to be mine. Spoiled rotten. I think she literally has a hundred nicknames.  Pumpkin muffin, puffin, Snoop, Love Puff,.....and it goes on.  But the one that sticks, the one that I use all the time is Kenzie Snooter.  That one stuck. It's just who she is!

When she was two years old, she suddenly got very sick.  There was a period of several months when I took her to the vet every single day to measure her blood levels.  She was really not well. For some reason, her immune system was attacking itself.  Noone, not even her vet, expected her to live to see age three. 

Eventually, I think a year or two later, she was diagnosed with atypical Addison's Disease.  Once we knew what we were battling, it was quite easy to treat her with medication.  However, she's always been rather sickly and we've jumped through hula hoops, bent over backwards, spent a fortune and somehow, sometimes through sheer luck, sometimes I'm sure only with our endless love for her, kept her alive.  

She will turn 14 in December.  

For those who don't know the history of why she doesn't live with us anymore, Kenzie bit Sophie in November of 2010. It was an awful time in our lives and I was traumatized. I never blogged about it specifically because I didn't really know what to say and I was so ashamed. I was afraid of the judgment of others.  Although I know there's nothing anyone could have said to make me feel worse than I already did.  It took MONTHS to get over it even a little bit. I still feel guilty and will always feel that I let both of my girls down. I thought I could watch them both 24 hours a day and that was naive. Lucky for all of us, my parents allowed Kenzie to come live with them.  They said yes before I could even get the words out to ask.  And I do believe they've come to love her as much as I do!  (Want proof?  I took all of these pictures tonight.....this is their couch and that new bed is one that they purchased for her.  She's a lucky girl!)

As an aside, we adopted Hubbell during Kenzie's second year.  I told Alain I wouldn't survive the loss of Kenzie unless I had another dog to keep me going.  Can you imagine?  In all those years, I couldn't envision that I would ever lose him first.  Still, you don't know how much I leaned on him when Kenzie moved out.  We became TIGHT, Hubbell and I. He helped to heal my heart and, in that respect, he did help me survive the loss of my furry girl.

(In the irony of life, I also found out I was pregnant with Clara the VERY NEXT MORNING after the biting incident. And that was a humongous surprise.....one that certainly helped to keep me going at the time!)

My parents have done an amazing job taking care of sweet Kenzie.  I say sweet but she's so rotten.  I used to always tell her that she's a dog only her mother can love!  She's as smart as a whip, totally dominant, commanding of attention and so, so darling.  Everyone always adored Hubbell and would gush over how wonderful he was (and he was totally deserving of all of it ~ a very special soul, as you know). But only one friend ever told me, "You know I love Hubbell but I have a special place in my heart for Kenzie!".  When you think you're going to lose a puppy so young, before she even gets a chance at life, you develop a special and strong bond.  

Kenzie is also now completely deaf.  Hubbell was blind and Kenzie is deaf.  I've learned from both of my dogs some serious perseverance and how to overcome handicaps and still enjoy and love life.  

  

Once Hubbell passed away, I immediately made plans to come and visit Kenzie.  It's certainly comforting to be around her although it's hard not having Hubbs around too.  Those two were a pair for so long.  

When the girls and I arrived in Lynchburg on Sunday, Kenzie was sprightful, playful and happy.  I am so grateful for that.  It's been wonderful spending some time with my furry girl!

I love you, my Kenzie Snooter!

What Sustains Me.....

It's hard to believe it's already been a week.  How did I make it?  All of these things helped sustain me....

~ THE feather.  I keep it on the dash of the car and, every time I look at it, I feel stronger.  Heaven help me if anything should ever happen to that feather.

~ All of the flowers that were left over from Clara's party.  They're spread throughout the house and they definitely lift my spirits!

~ The calls and emails and concern from our family members.

~ Last Thursday I decided to start a small memorial garden for Hubbell.  I have this run-down little flower garden by our back gate (when I tried to find a photo, I noticed that Hubbell was in  the background of this one!!!!).  I moved the girls' umbrella over to shield the sun. I kneeled down, started weeding and cried my tears into the dirt.   I cleaned and refilled the birdbath. I researched how to deadhead the few Coreopsis plants that are left so that maybe some new growth will appear.  I researched some flowering plants.  I know this will be therapeutic for me.  It already is.  It will be a long-term project because I am terrible at growing flowers but I'll hopefully post a follow-up in the near future.

~ The documentary, "Animal Odd Couples" (available on Netflix and/or preview available here).  Alain put it on one night and I thought my heart would literally burst watching it.  I couldn't stop laughing, smiling or crying.  While we were watching, Alain even said to me, "You and Hubbell were an animal odd couple."  Yes, I suppose we were.  Thank you, Alain.  That show cheered me up immensely ~ you must've known it would!

~ Scout is our lone pet now, at least in this house.  She sometimes chirps at me, sometimes flies around my head and still watches me from the back door when I'm out in the yard/garden.  She makes me smile!  (I will post on Atticus soon.)

~ My other "resident birds" come to the window feeder and sometimes they hang out for a while, even when I'm standing there.  I love to watch them ~ they warm my heart.

~ I stopped telling myself that I should temper my emotions, tears, etc out of fear that people will judge me over being this upset about "just a dog".  I don't really care if people think or say that.  Hubbell was my constant, constant companion and I will mourn him however I see fit.  When I have really hard moments, I light a little memorial candle by his picture.....that is now surrounded by cards from friends.  It's helped me a lot.  Those cards help me a lot!

~ My blogging friends.  Deb, Kay, Louise, Keith, Jan and Rebecca.  Your comments and emails are so precious ~ thank you for caring enough to write, check in on me, etc.

~ Deb sent me this sweet video of her turtle, Rexy (via Instagram). I wish you could have all seen me smiling.  What a sweet gesture!

~ I went to the library and got some new books.  I hadn't read a single page in a single book since May 1st, the day of Hubbell's surgery and the day we learned we'd lose him soon.  If I'm not reading, something is definitely wrong.  Well, I'm now reading "Failure Is Not An Option" by Gene Kranz.  It's amazing.  If you haven't seen the documentary series, "When We Left Earth", please watch it (available on Netflix and/or sometimes replayed on PBS stations).  I also checked out "The Girls of Atomic City" by Denise Kiernan (remember my fixation with the atomic race after reading this book?).   I was so thrilled with I saw this book on the library shelf!  Anyway, I'm reading again so I know I'll be okay! 

~ I wrote a very heartfelt letter to the woman who helped rescue Hubbell and who cared for him until he came to our home.  You can definitely say that she hand-picked him just for me because I was very insistent that I wanted another girl dog.  And she wouldn't back down.  She even tricked me into driving out to her house to meet Hubbell.  Well, of course, once I saw him and spent 30 seconds with him, he was ours!!!! Anyway, Kathy wrote to me all week, sent me a sweet card and then sent me a gardening stone with the words, "If My Love Could've Saved You, You Would Have Lived Forever" (Isn't that the truth?).  She's been an angel and has really looked out for me (just as she once looked out for my guy). She's the only other person I know who has "mothered" Hubbell so I feel a connection with her.  She knows just how special he was!  And she gave me the most precious and wonderful gift.  I feel so thankful.

~ I called the Golden Rescue where Hubbell came from.  I was a board member for several years but fell out of touch during my crazy working years and once I had children.  Well, guess what, I'm back on board to help again and it feels really good to know I might help other Goldens.  I know Hubbell would like that!

~ Last, and maybe most importantly, Alain decided to take some pictures of each of us as we said goodbye on Hubbell's last day.  At the time, I wasn't sure how I felt about this. It seemed a little morbid and I thought I'd never look at such depressing photographs.  Well, I owe a HUGE, HUGE, HUGE thank you to my sweet husband.  It took several days but I did finally look at the pictures.  Wow, it was so damned hard.  They are amazingly beautiful, raw, emotional, and SO FILLED WITH LOVE. I can't share them here out of respect for Hubbell's privacy and I just think they're way too intimate.  But I love these pictures with all of my heart.  I won't look at them often but, when I do, I will always feel thankful to have had a love that strong in my life.  For all of us. This family is so very lucky.

The Healing Power of Nature

My general philosophy when it comes to nature is this:  For those of us who are kind, mindful and gentle to nature, nature will help and heal us when we need it most.  I truly believe this.

The last couple days have been so hard for me.  I don't need to tell you the details because you can imagine.  Not only do I have my own grief to deal with, but I also have that of my children. The loss is overwhelming.

(This photo was taken in mid-May, right after Hubbell's emergency surgery....that's why his underbody is shaved. Luckily, our Kenzie Snooter ~ who lives with my parents ~ got to visit Hubbell a couple of times in his last few months.)

But then there's this....

An hour or so after Hubbell passed, I needed to get out of the house.  I was overcome. We took the girls out for ice cream and a trip to the playground.  While Sophie and I were playing at the top of a large play structure, Sophie suddenly called out to me.  When I looked, there was a beautiful black and blue butterfly fluttering around very close to her.  As I watched, it flew over to me and almost landed on my nose.  The butterfly came within inches of both of us.  For several minutes, it fluttered and darted around us.  As Sophie said, "it's like the butterfly is playing with us".  Well said.  It did feel that way.  And my heart lightened just a tad.

The next morning I dropped the girls off at their summer camps.  I couldn't face going home without Hubbell there.  I decided to stop at the pet store to buy my little Scouter Puff some bird treats.  After I parked the car, I checked my phone. The crematory had left a message telling me that they would like to deliver Hubbell to me that afternoon.  I felt like I couldn't breathe.  I decided to go buy the bird treats before calling them back (since I knew I'd likely be upset).  When I returned to the car and opened the door, there was a perfect goose feather laying right in the middle of my seat.  I stopped dead in my tracks. My body was covered in goose bumps. I can't describe the feeling I had.  It was a gift.  That's all I knew.  It was so overwhelming, in a very good way.  I held it close to my heart and said, "Thank you, Hubbell".  As I drove around, wandering really, in an effort to avoid going home, I continued to look down at the feather.....amazed. Totally amazed.  I know it hadn't been there when I left the car because I had reached back in to grab my phone.  I couldn't have sat on it because it would have been crushed or broken (bootylicious as I am!). That feather was comforting me in a big way.  It still is.

Yesterday afternoon I went out to check the mail.  As I turned back toward the house, I noticed two mourning doves sitting on my front porch.  Very peaceful and still. I stood in the driveway and watched them for a while.  They just sat and looked at me for several minutes.  Then they flew right by me.  Those birds brightened what was a really hard afternoon for me.

When Clara awoke from her nap yesterday (her first nap without Hubbell by her crib ~ he napped with her every single day until his last), I opened the door to find her yelling "tweet, tweet, tweet" to me. She then put her tiny little finger to her mouth to ask me to "sshhhhh".  We were both quiet and, sure enough, there was a very loud tweeting coming from right outside.  I took her out of her crib and she ran to the window and started pulling back the shade.  I opened it for her. And there, right on a branch outside her window, there was a sweet little bird singing loudly.  I felt my heart growing warm.  That bird had helped to distract my sweet baby.

I don't really know how to end this post. I'm just writing because writing is cathartic for me.  And my grieving is only beginning.  

I've thought a lot today about my favorite poem, by Robert Frost.

Nature's first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf's a flower,

but only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief.

So Dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

My Hubbell.....he was Golden in every single way!

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For those of you who left such sweet and caring messages/comments for me yesterday, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  The comfort your words provided is immeasurable.  I'm a lucky girl.  

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My Guy ~ Hubbells

HUBBELL

Born sometime in 2001

Adopted by our family in July 2002

Passed from this world July 30, 2013

For the past several years, as Hubbell and I grew closer and closer, I'd often ask him, "Hubbell, what on Earth did I do in my life to deserve you?".  It must've been something amazingly good. We'd laugh about that.  But I still find myself thinking it tonight......my first night lying in my bed without him lying on the floor right next to me. This gargantuan cold & empty space on the floor.  The one that is currently shattering my heart.  Yeah, I did something good alright. And that made me the damned luckiest woman on the planet.  Because I was Hubbell's Mom.  I can already tell you that, when I'm 90 something years old and I look back on my life, I will still feel so deeply in my heart that Hubbs was a highlight.  And he will still be there in his little corner of my heart keeping me warm with his sweet, gentle, loving, nature.

All you need to know is this: Hubbell was my guy.  You should know that we went together like peas and carrots. 

Taking care of him the last three months, as hard as it was (and it was excrutiating at times) was truly a pleasure of my life.  It's one of the things I'm most proud of. I LOVED taking care of him and I can only hope that I was worthy of him. 

My anchor.  My soul mate. My love.

On Saying Goodbye / A Sacred Responsibility

In case you were worried by the post title, we have not lost Hubbell yet.  

He has recovered very well from his surgery. The biopsy did confirm that he has cancer and the doctor suggests that he has 3-6 months to live (comfortably).  However, as you know, Hubbell also suffers from Golden Retreiver Uveitis.  His remaining eye is quite bad and it is extremely likely that his eye/glaucoma will progress to a point of high pressure and pain before the cancer makes him uncomfortable again.  Our intention is to enjoy our time with him until it's clear to us that his "quality of life" is not there anymore.  I know my dog extremely well and I can tell when he's having a bad moment or he's uncomfortable.  At this point in time, his good days way outnumber any bad days. I can still walk into the room to find he's taken all of his toys out of his basket.  He'll still play tennis ball out in the yard.  He still eats like a champ. He shakes his tail at us like crazy. He still smiles. His life force is still amazingly strong.

I know this won't last long.  It's been three weeks since his surgery and I am honestly amazed that he's still with us.  I seriously believed we had about a week or so when I wrote this post.  There are simply no words in the English language to express how thankful I am for this additional time we've had with him.  I spoil him at any given moment I have available.  I tell him constantly all of the sweet things I feel for him in my heart.  If I'm away from home for more than about two hours, I start to feel panicky and sick and I have to return home to be with him.  Because I still can.  And I want to be sure that he's comfortable.  

I'm writing this post today because I spoke with the in-home euthanasia veterinarian and I feel extremely emotional.  I called her because I want to feel somewhat prepared.  There's also comfort in knowing what the process will be and that someone will be available for us when the time comes.  I have to be honest, I am so scared of that moment.  So scared.  But there is no way I would miss Hubbell's last few moments.  As Alain describes it, it's a "sacred responsibility".  Alain always does have a way with words that makes me feel more at ease.  

Everyone always tells me I'm a "strong person".  A friend even told me that this morning.  But, it's funny, whenever anyone tells me that, I always think to myself, "Wow, I sure do have them fooled".  And I feel that way now.  I keep asking myself how on Earth I'm getting through this.  I cry so much it's ridiculous (although never in front of Hubbell ~ although I know he can tell anyway!).  It's really a kind of torture to not know if we have one more day with him or several more weeks. We have no choice but to take it day by day.  I can't tell you how many people have said I just have to mentally prepare myself for what's coming.  Even the vets.  But I can tell you one thing now (and those who have been through this will probably agree), there is no way on Earth to mentally prepare yourself for this type of moment, for living through the moment when your loyal and beloved family member, your most faithful companion, your very best friend, takes his last breath.  The finality of it is so overwhelming.

Anyway, I have no point to this post. I guess writing it down is rather cathartic.  I want this blog here of mine to be a small/selected record of my life.  I hope my girls will go back and read it one day in the future and know what my life was like when they were young.  And this is clearly a HUGE moment in my life.  One that surely Sophie will remember.  And there a few things I'd want for Sophie & Clara to know:

~ that it's a gift to be with someone in their last moments of life, no matter how hard.

~ that it's important to take care of those who are older and/or sick, no matter how hard.

~ that you have to keep going even when you have a broken heart, no matter how hard.

~ that it takes courage to get through this type of life/death event, no matter how hard.

~ that it's okay to cry, no matter how hard.

~ that there is also beauty in saying goodbye, sadness and loss. 

And I guess I'm reminding myself of those things as well.

Oh Hubbs, we love and adore you to no end.  You are the sweetest soul.  

Hubbell

I will be absent from this space for a little while. 

Earlier today we discovered that our Hubbell has cancer. Doesn't matter the type. What does matter is that our time with him is extremely limited.  Extremely. I am a complete, disastrous mess, as you might imagine. Any of you that know me know that this will be a terribly hard time for me. For all of us.  Any of my attempts at strength and clarity have been downright hilarious and quite ridiculous in their failures. It's hard to imagine an Audrey without a Hubbell.  Hard. I really don't know how to get through this, I don't know what to do with this pain inside of my heart. I took these photos on Monday, before we knew that something was wrong. Oh am I grateful to have these now!  Please think of us, mostly of Hubbell. I want for every last moment of his life to be as sweet as humanly possible.  And I don't want to miss one second of whatever we have left with him......not even five minutes to blog.  I'm sure you understand.

I hope to be back. Once I can get my heart in order.  Once I feel I have something worth sharing besides total and complete heartbreak.  Once I can make sense of all this. There will be lots of nature when I do come back ~ it's the one thing that gets me through. As you know.  

XOXO

Hubbell

On Tuesday,our Hubbell will undergo surgery to have his right eye removed.  

It was just under a year ago that we learned that he was suffering from a disease called Golden Retriever Uveitis.  One complication of the disease is Glaucoma and Hubbell definitely has this in both eyes.  Since he was diagnosed, we've been treating him with anti-inflammatory medications.  This condition is not treatable, however, and these measures were undertaken to hopefully decrease pressure in his eye and prolong surgery.

Last Wednesday Hubbell awoke and we could tell immediately that something was seriously wrong.  After just a couple of minutes, it was pretty clear that he was totally blind.  Hubbs was scared and frantic.  He didn't want to move from our bedroom and, each time he attempted to walk anywhere, he'd run into furniture or toys.  A visit to the doctor proved that the pressure in his right eye was "off the charts", Hubbs was in some pretty serious pain and it was time for surgery.  The eye specialist did say that he has some limited vision remaining in his left eye but, honestly, I don't see it.  He's slowly adjusting to his new state but he does need a lot of help.  

At first, when the doc said it was time for surgery, I was very emotional and started crying.  I don't know why.  I knew this day would come....I just didn't know exactly when.  It didn't take long for me to realize how silly it is to have an emotional attachment to something causing him so much pain!?!  The surgery will make him so much more comfortable and may even help with the vision in his left eye.  I'm trying not to worry too much about the surgery or his recovery although I'm very curious about how his wound will look and how quickly he will adjust.  For me, I don't care how he looks....to me, he will always be the most gorgeous red Golden that ever existed.  And it's hard to be sad when he's had a lifetime of looking like this.......

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, how I will miss these gorgeous eyes......

Hubbsie, my whole life I dreamt of having a red Golden Retriever.....and you not only fulfilled that dream but you smoked it.  You are truly the most handsome dog I've ever known.  Thank you for being a dream come true, as well as the purest and most gentle soul I've ever known.  I can't wait to take care of you for the rest of your days!