Monday, January 23, 2012

Going A Little Crazy

That would be me. Clara's had a really rough week or two. I have no idea how long it's been because the days seem to run together and all concept of time is nonexistent. I have no idea what's wrong. I feel like we've tried everything. And I've certainly questioned everything. Is it trying solids? Was it the Indian I ate the other day which tainted my breastmilk with all kinds of undesirable tastes? Could it be the margarita I drank that was made with grapefruit soda? Breastfeeding is a confidence game. One that I am constantly losing. Should we try a new formula? Is she teething? Could it be a growth spurt? The diaper rash she currently has must have something to do with her fussiness. Is it just reflux? Right before this current rough patch, we had several good weeks. Clara even slept two nights in a row for about ten hours each night. Ahem. I am not a fan of false hope. Ever since then, it's been hell. For the past two weeks, I don't think I've done one thing that wasn't interrupted by Clara's crying. Pumping. Showers. Loading the dishwasher. Making a bottle. Playing with Sophie. Sleeping. Going to the toilet. (I know I ask a lot of my child to allow me to go to the toilet!) After yet another really bad night and no sleep for either myself or Clara, I am at my wit's end. I have cried almost this entire morning. Rarely in my life, if ever, do I remember feeling this hopeless, helpless and totally desperate. Even my body is giving up.....the last few pumps, I could barely produce any milk at all....something that has always been pretty easy for me. Yet I forgive this body because who should be expected to work so hard with so little sleep? Honestly, I am surprised at how well I've held myself together for six entire months of this. Why I'm breaking down now is beyond me. I guess everyone has to break at some point in time. And my little Clara. My heart aches for her. I hope she realizes that we've been breaking ourselves to try and make her comfortable and healthy and happy. And I hope she realizes how much attention her Big Sissy has had to sacrifice so that Mom & Dad could tend to her needs. We have a doctor's appointment this afternoon to get the diaper rash checked out. Alain and I spent the entire weekend doing all kinds of things to try to cure that on our own, to no avail. I know I should feel comforted that we're seeing the doctor but I don't. All attempts thus far to help Clara have been pretty fruitless. I'm amazed at how little doctors know about GI issues in infants and how we can help to make it better for them. My only saving grace is Alain. Thank goodness I married a saint. He could see that I was not well this morning (although you'd have to be deaf and blind not to see that!) and he sent me out for two hours to be alone. And, it's only in this time alone that I can truly see how hard it's been. I see how other people have so much freedom and quiet in their lives. And I see how my new boss (Clara) is extremely demanding. And I have to pat myself on the back. Luckily, it only took about half an hour out in the world sans baby to feel a little bit like myself again. This gives me hope. I chose to spend part of this time at the library. One of my sanctuaries. I spent about ten minutes in the children's books and I could already feel myself smiling. I left with a pile of about twelve books for Sophie. I called two friends and cried in their ears and listened hard to their encouraging words. And here I am now, at Barnes & Noble, drinking a warm drink and writing. Two other sanctuaries. Small, simple pleasures. It may be short-lived but it's working. I have no intended direction with this's only therapy to get these words out of my system. And I cannot stop typing. It feels good. I wish I knew how to help my baby better. I do believe my pumping days are over and a huge part of me feels so relieved. It's one less thing to question, one less thing to do. The confidence game can end, finally. Clara has started to crawl around (WHAT? A five month old? I didn't even know it was possible!) and it's made pumping rather hard. She's also sitting up now. I do feel happy and relieved that, at the very least, she doesn't have any developmental issues. Still, I hope for more, for all of us. Our house is in no way peaceful at the moment. Sadly, I have to finish this post now. My two hours is up. I have to relieve Alain. Wish us luck!!!

(No time to reread or proofread this post so please overlook any spelling or grammar mistakes!)

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