I had a totally different post planned for this week. But then Tia Jenny sent me some photos of Ygal. At the sight of this one, my heart just stopped.
This could very well be my favorite photo of Ygal EVER.
The thing about losing someone you love is that you never know what will set you off. For me, this picture was one of those things. Each time I look at it, I just see so much life. I see an amazing person with so much to offer, who brought joy and love to so many people. I am reminded of the cruelty of life. I think about all of Ygal's dreams.....dreams which were buried along with him. Beautiful and lofty dreams. I think about Bianca and Cristina sorting through his clothes last weekend and how damned painful that must have been for them. I think of Cristina sleeping in one of his shirts and my heart breaks a million times for the mother who lost one of her babies. I think of the emptiness in Bianca & Yaron's home, an emptiness IMPOSSIBLE to fill. I think of how the Jewish faith considers each and every person an entire universe. I look at this picture and I can actually see, I can feel that entire universe. I think of my dear husband who carries a load of pain around with him everywhere he goes. I think of how my friends tell me that Alain seems so sad every time they see him. I encounter gifts in our home, gifts that Ygal & Bianca gave to our babies and I feel sick thinking that there won't ever be more (from Bianca, yes, but not from Ygal). I think about how this will be the last year ever in which I spent time with Ygal. The record has stopped playing. I think of all of us and how we work so hard to move on....but wonder how we're supposed to move on when our minds, hearts, bodies, souls seem stuck on June 29th. I know all too well that there was a life before the news and there's a life after. That alone causes me much sadness. I think of the new fear that plagues me, the fear of losing someone else in my life. Or the fear that something happens to me and my girls have to grow up without a mother. I pray and hope and beg the air, like a crazed fool, that I don't ever have to lose one of my babies.
One photo.....all of this....I could write all day. Losing Ygal has put me in a weird, loopy, philosophical headspace. My new normal.
I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone. Ever.
Tia, Jenny, thank you for this beautiful photo. Thank you.
PS ~ I can't even wait for Friday ~ I'm posting this one now.